sa wa dee

I am writing this because I want to express how I really feel towards myself. I'm just going to write this simultaneously so if my English is terrible, that's just how I write. I just realized I have been mediocre my whole life. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing but according to my lecturer, that's just something not great. It's not even a compliment if you try to understand it longer. You're not too good you're not too bad. It still sounds okay to me. Or maybe that's just what is is, just okay. Nothing spectacular. 

I have been wasting my holidays with a lot of confining myself in a room for days, been staying up at night for several nights, fever that lasted almost one week and a depressing birthday. All of that wouldn't happen if I didn't have that thing called anxiety. I cannot explain what's wrong with me. I mean, the reason why I don't wanna go out from the house is mainly because I'm too scared. That's my real problem since I don't know when because I was doing pretty fine when I was 13 until 14, 15 is still acceptable. 

Until one day I began to change myself, wearing tudung, pray and stuffs that makes me so afraid of api neraka. Everything I see, I see fire burning people except I can't visualize the actual fire because api neraka is pitch black. Starting when I was 16, I barely go out & I don't remember after that until I noticed the changes to my old self at the end of the year 2012. I got my final examination papers and wondering why I did I dropped a lot. And so 17 was the age I started to become a satan again. I am so shameful of myself. I could've done better, at that time I swear I'm giving up SPM. But God is the most forgiver. I got pretty good results for SPM, something that's not mediocre to my mum. She said Alhamdulillah and I swore I would do anything to give my mum taste every bliss in the world. I regret for changing from bad to good and worse. It's true what they say, people's Imaan is very fragile if they don't keep up to strengthen it.

<br> But look at me now, I changed into a whole new person. I'm not as bad as before but I'm not an angel too. I keep myself in the house, not wanting people to see how pathetic that lady is. I am aware that I was born like this, And I also keep to myself that not everyone can accept me as who I am. Even if they do, I like to think twice whether they're just pretenting to not let me hurt. I'm very thankful for those who be friends with me sincerely, these type of people I can see it thru their face that they truly understand what's the meaning of temporary life. I may seem like a happy girl who laugh and smile and talk ordinarily like there's no wrong in my life. Only because I know no one would understand me. It's better to keep inside.  <br>

But cukuplah mati sebagai nasihat.<br>

I almost give up in life but I still want to find reasons for me to live longer.